Hey there Confused Gal,
It sounds like it’s been quite conflicting for you to navigate these feelings and is taking up quite a bit of brain space to try and work this through.
It’s important to know that to some degree, all humans need a level of validation from others. We like to know we are valued; we are seen to be contributing, and that we belong in the society we live in. This biological drive was really important for us humans not so long ago, because we needed to be in groups or tribes in order to ensure our survival, and while that’s not as true today as it was back then, being part of a society is still really important for us to have our needs met.
In saying all of that, while a certain level of seeking validation is completely normal and healthy, it can sometimes tip over to where it’s no longer functional. Often, when we are in this position, the first place we look for a reason is our intimate relationship. Sometimes it is true that we might seek validation outside of our relationship because our needs aren’t being met within it. However, I know you mentioned that your dynamic with your partner is one of love and affection, so that leads me to think we might need to look elsewhere for the cause of these feelings you are having.
Another contributing factor to our need for validation can also be how we view ourselves and our own self-worth. When we are struggling with our own values and our ability to validate ourselves, it makes sense that we might look for that validation somewhere else and need it a whole lot more. I wonder, dear Confused Gal, what your relationship with yourself is like and if it might be worth spending a little bit of time working on the most important relationship that you have. Maybe spend some time reflecting on how you speak to yourself and putting more energy into extending kindness and compassion to yourself. It is important to remind yourself that you are worthy and valuable just as you are and that you invest in loving and caring for yourself so there’s less need for others to tell you what your value is.
Lastly, don’t be afraid to seek help to explore this and reach out to a professional. Psychologists are there to help you, and that might be just what you need to strengthen the relationship you have with yourself.
The Anxious Psych
