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July 2024

Ask Amber: He Told Me He Loved Me but Then Ghosted Me

Question

Hi Amber I matched with this guy on Hinge about three months ago and we have been on a couple of dates since. I really like him and I feel like we have a great connection. Although we never really spoke about being exclusive, it appeared that we were on the same wavelength because we were talking all the time and spending a considerable time at each other’s houses. Last week, he took me out to dinner and told me that he was falling in love with me. I was really happy because I hadn’t connected like this with someone in such a long time. I told him I was beginning to feel the same way. He stayed the night at my house but in the morning, he started acting really weird and kept leaving my bedroom to go to the bathroom… with his phone. He went home in the afternoon and we made plans for the next day. The next morning, I texted him to confirm our plans but I didn’t hear back from him. I texted him again the following day and got no response. I could see he was active on Facebook and Instagram. It’s been a week now and I still haven’t heard from him. I don’t understand why he would ghost me when he literally professed his love for me the week before. Part of me also feels worried that he might be going through something, but I can’t know for certain unless he returns my texts and calls. Am I overreacting?

Answer

Hey there friend,

Firstly, I completely understand why you would feel upset by this situation. It sounds like something you were beginning to feel really invested in. That feeling when you first meet someone and you connect can be electric, and all-consuming.

I also completely understand why you would feel like the feeling was reciprocated. Spending a lot of time together, going on dates… It sounds like the start of something special. Especially since he has clearly told you how he feels. It makes sense if he has said to you that he is falling in love with you, that you would believe he is falling in love with you.

All of that said, there is never a way for us to predict or control someone else’s behaviour, or to read his thoughts and intentions. Life would be a lot easier if I could answer this question with “Oh, that’s an easy one. He’s making these choices because of XYZ…” but I can’t, because I (sadly) can’t read minds either.

I know situations like this are so tough, and I’d get it if you said you felt hurt, betrayed and confused. These feelings would not be an over-reaction regardless of the reason he has stopped contacting you, because no matter the circumstances, you do not deserve to be treated this way. You could be right, and he could be going through something completely out of his control. But what he can control is how he treats you, and letting you know what’s going on or that he needs to take space.

The only thing you can do now is lean into what you can control- your own actions. Maybe he is going through something, maybe he’s not. I want you to think about who you would like to show up as a person in the face of this, and what that person would do. Would they send a final message to check in and embrace compassion? Would they choose self-respect and set a boundary for themselves not to accept this treatment from anyone? What you do next is ultimately up to you, and I’m sure whatever you choose will be the right choice for you as long as it’s true to your values.

Read more of Amber’s advice here.

Read more advice about ghosting here.

Picture of Amber Sargeant

Amber Sargeant

Meet Amber Sargeant, The Modern Muse’s resident psychologist, however, you might know her better as The Anxious Psych on TikTok or from her clinic The Sunshine Club Psychology. With a Masters of Professional Psychology, and a Masters of Psychology Practice (Clinical) under her belt, Amber works with all different kinds of presentations from anxiety and depression to personality disorders, ADHD, and everything in between. Her TikTok forms a community hub for accessible information about mental health and psychology in a way that is more approachable and understandable to the average person.

Amber is also someone who also struggles with Anxiety and aims to highlight that while we each have our own experience with difficult emotions and situations, we can learn to manage effectively and to make sure we are still able to build the life we want. Amber is such a warm and passionate clinician and we are so lucky to have her on our team. We can’t wait for her to help our readers “find their sunshine”.