Hey there,
Thank you so much for reaching out. I want to start by expressing how much empathy I have for your situation. It sounds like such a tough spot to be in, and I can’t begin to imagine how much pain you must be feeling. Two of the people who I imagine you consider to be some of the closest in your life have made a decision that is extremely hurtful. I imagine you feel betrayed, upset and disappointed on all fronts right now.
In terms of going through Lily’s phone, you’re right in saying it was not the right thing to do. It goes without saying that it is an invasion of her privacy and a betrayal of her trust. It sounds like you know this, and are remorseful for making that decision. While it was definitely wrong, the fact still remains that you now have this information about what Lily and Josh have done. The reality is then, that you have a number of choices of what to do next.
1. You could pretend you never saw any of the messages and go about your friendship and life as usual. For me, I don’t see this happening. I think this betrayal is far too big to brush under the rug and will mean there is broken trust and underlying tension that will eventually lead to the relationship deteriorating alongside your mental wellbeing.
2. You could lie to Lily about how you came across this information and confront the situation. This to me is a question of values. Would you feel comfortable addressing the situation about a lack of honesty and broken trust while not being truly honest yourself? How would you explain how you got this information? Does it feel true to the kind of person you want to be in the face of hardship to make this choice?
3. You could confront Lily with the information you have and be truthful about how you found this out. I know you said that you don’t want to have to admit to this, and I understand why. However, when I think about a situation where I need to make a choice, the question I always find myself coming back to is “What kind of person do I want to be in the face of this?” There will likely be some backlash from the choice to go through her phone, however, that shouldn’t detract from the issue of her betrayal and addressing that directly with her in an open and honest way.
The reality is, that no matter which approach you choose, you will not control how she responds, and you can’t change what’s happened. The only thing you can control in this situation is who you choose to be in the face of it. I truly wish you the best for this conversation and trust that you’ll make the right choice on how to approach this in the best way that you can.
Learn more about recovering from a friendship betrayal here.
Read more of Amber’s advice here.
