Valentine’s Day often evokes a range of emotions – joy, longing, connection, or even sadness. It’s a day that can feel celebratory for some and challenging for others. To navigate this complex landscape of love, relationships, and self-worth, we spoke to Clinical Psychologist and Couples Counsellor Phoebe Rogers and asked her for relationship tips as well as our burning questions on all things love and Valentine’s Day.
There are many conflicting thoughts about celebrating Valentine’s Day. As a Clinical Psychologist and Couples Counsellor, what are your thoughts on the day?
It can bring up really mixed, conflicting emotions- sadness and grief if you’ve had a recent breakup, or are single and longing for a loving relationship. It can also bring joy, intimacy and connection, and be a valued day for others, whether single or coupled. I love the galantines movement, and I also love seeing couples honour and celebrate their love. I hope that everyone can bring sensitivity to those who may be hurting, as well as be able to embrace the sentiments of love and connection if that feels meaningful to you. It’s holding space for all.
What’s the best piece of relationship advice you have, and how has it shaped people’s approach to love?
Love is an action; it is about consistently showing up for your partner on a day to day basis in the small moments, and that really creates a sense of emotional safety and security. It’s more than a feeling. I love seeing love through the eyes of secure attachment, being emotionally attuned and responsive to all in your life.
Valentine’s Day can be particularly challenging for members of the LGBTIQ+ community, neurodiverse individuals, or those who struggle with love and intimacy. What advice would you offer to someone who finds love difficult?
Love is acceptance, and so I hope you may be surrounded by those who can meet you where you’re at with compassion, love, understanding, and acceptance. And may you also meet yourself with self-compassion. Many of us find love hard, we’ve been hurt, rejected and disappointed, and made to feel unlovable. Please know how others have treated you is not about you, it’s about them. Go slowly, and at your own pace, and allow trust to build slowly over time. Safety really matters. If you need to lay low on Valentine’s Day, do so; you deserve protection and boundaries also.
How do you suggest tackling differences in love languages?
Seek to discover those differences, and remind yourself of those differences in your relationship, to avoid feeling unloved. Talk, communicate, and voice your needs often, as your partner isn’t a mind reader. Be a detective, and look out for all the ways in which your partner is loving. It may not be in the loving words you long for, but it may be in acts of service.
Confidence is often linked to self-love. What are some practical ways people can build their self-worth, whether they’re single or in a relationship?
Write down your inner critic’s words or unkind thoughts about self, and then name where those words came from – perhaps a bully, a parent, a life event. And then acknowledge that negative self-talk is a message received externally, and not a truth. And then try and talk to yourself as you would a friend, or as a loving parent would to a child, with encouragement or compassion. My favourite is to imagine your younger self and to give back to them what they needed- loving words, permission to rest and play, someone to believe in them.
In a world dominated by dating apps and digital connections, what are your top tips for fostering genuine, lasting relationships?
Vulnerability is essential – we only get close to others with vulnerability. Take that brave step of opening up, and sharing a little bit more. If it’s met with reciprocal vulnerability, you’ve likely met a person you can trust. Smile at strangers, neighbours, and passersby. Be consistent in your communication, as it creates a sense of safety.
Valentine’s Day can bring a lot of pressure for couples and singles alike. How can people reframe the day to focus on joy, connection, and self-care?
If single, try to surround yourself with likeminded others, to help you feel connected. Self-love matters, and think about what small acts of self-love you need right now, whether rest, pampering, or reminding yourself that your relationship status doesn’t define your worth. If in a couple, talk about your hopes and expectations ahead of the day. Ultimately, it is one day and doesn’t define you as a couple. Think about quality time that helps you connect.
For all those hopeless romantics out there, what’s the best way to celebrate Valentine’s Day?
If Valentine’s Day means a lot to you, then you own it. Own your needs to feel desired, sensual, and connected with your partner. In a world of working hard, and achievement, lean into the experience of romance and play – an intimate date, a bubble path with your partner, a sexy outfit, gorgeous flowers and candles, pleasure is underrated, so go for it!
Learn more about Phoebe or access her services here.
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