How I Learned to Love Myself with an Anxious Attachment Style

To set the scene for you, I was nearing my 25th birthday, newly single and absolutely devastated from the breakup. I had been with my ex since I was 13, and as my therapist likes to say, the relationship saw me through some of my core development as a person. It was to some extent, all I knew, and certainly all I knew and came to experience about romantic relationships and love. Now single again since grade 8, I was beside myself. What do I do now? What does my future hold? But the most poignant question haunting me, keeping me awake at night; who is going to love me and how do I love myself with an anxious attachment style?

Self love as a concept has always struck me as black and white. You either love yourself fully or you don’t, and I was firmly planted in the don’t category for most of my adolescence and early 20s. On a surface level we could say I had self esteem issues. I was never very happy with how I looked, being a person of colour who didn’t always fit society’s beauty standards didn’t aid that feeling. 

But on a deeper level, I put so much importance and value of myself on how much others valued and loved me, I neglected forming a stronger connection with, understanding of, and love for myself. 

However when I found myself more or less by myself for the first time since childhood, it was like a switch flipped. I’m not saying that love for yourself is easy to have. I think it’s an extremely nuanced concept and requires lots of time and dedication, learning and healing. But in that moment I instinctively knew how different my life was about to be, and just how much I had to show up for myself. 

It’s also very important to mention, I struggle with anxiety. I don’t think I always have, maybe here and there as a child. But I did recognise that the longer I was with my partner, and the older I grew into adulthood, I suffered with anxiety and struggled being alone. I think that is an inevitable by product of neglecting self love, you don’t like to spend much time with yourself. So I relied heavily on my ex to regulate my anxious emotions, reassure me of my value, and confirm constantly that they still loved me. I also by nature pour all of myself into those I love, even when I’ve got nothing in my cup to pour from. When you live to love and serve others, and you don’t like yourself, it’s safe to say not a lot of growing, secure attachment, or ability to self soothe can be created within a relationship.

I placed, in hindsight, an unhealthy amount of pressure on the power of romantic love.

When I started casually seeing my current partner, I was terrified. I would constantly say to my friends that I’m not a very casual person, I’m a “lover girl”. And that was true, but I also think to some extent I was a lover girl who had a fear of being alone with myself. 

But, I had come far and was beginning to have a very different outlook on who I am. I was becoming comfortable with myself, proud of my ability to persevere, and I recognised through being forced to do things solo, that I did in fact like the person I am.

With each mundane task I completed alone, each thing I did or bought or ate purely for my own enjoyment and of course each therapy session, I was beginning to feel that love for myself growing. 

This feeling particularly rang true for me when I realised a passenger princess I could be no longer. Driving in particular has been a massive source of anxiety for me. I was convinced I was a terrible driver, I made silly mistakes, I was too dumb to get from point a to point b. All of a sudden I was driving to my new girlfriend’s house in the city. Taking tunnels and streets I had never ever taken and just trusting myself, telling myself I was in control, not dumb and could in fact get myself there safely.

It sounds silly but those closest to me knew how much of a feat this was for me to overcome.

My new relationship was also helping to rewire parts of my brain. Challenging my preconceived expectations of a relationship, and more or less, raising my expectations for how I should be treated. 

Though despite the sincere and deep love my girlfriend showed for me, in times of self doubt or insecurity, I still fought my brain to not seek constant reassurance from her- the question “do you still love me” bubbling up and out of me like word vomit. I remember venting to a friend and trying to articulate that I knew those little constant questions were beginning to grow tiresome for my partner to answer, but that I needed to ask them like a compulsion. My friend so naturally just said to “take all of that extra love, that extra care, those extra reassurances you need from her, and give them to yourself.” I realised the cycle I was propelling into yet again- neglecting the love I had for myself. 

It’s a work in progress and it might always be, but now I try and practice giving myself a little bit of that love I once reserved for others only. I’m going to love me. 

To all of my friends with anxious attachment styles out there, nurture the most important relationship you have, the one between you and yourself, and you will be amazed by the secure attachment and love you might find in others.

Read more of our Thought Provoking articles here.

Image credit: Elephant Journal