How many times have you said yes, while your stomach tightened in protest? How many times have you clenched your jaw while typing, ‘sure, no problem’? How many times have you agreed with someone but your words feel stuck in your throat?
These moments feel small – another dinner, another favour, another quick phone call but they shape who we are. They are micro-betrayals which accumulate in the body over time. Not dramatically, quietly.
We have never been more emotionally literate and yet, we are chronically disconnected from ourselves.
According to a report conducted by Relationships Australia in 2024, almost one quarter of Australians feel socially lonely despite being more connected, more informed and more available than ever. Having constant access to this information has created a generation of hyperaware individuals. We can name our attachment styles and regulate our nervous systems, yet we struggle to say a simple ‘no.’
We are fluent in therapy speak, but illiterate in embodiment.
As a result, there is a generation of self professed people-pleasers who straddle the intersection between pop-culture and psychology. It is a phrase that might appear quite embarrassing; “I live to please others,” yet it’s a common problem.
People-pleasing is more than just a personality trait, it’s chronic stress exposure.
Kim Cattrall famously stated in a 2019 Guardian interview, “I don’t want to be in a situation for even an hour where I’m not enjoying myself.” It says less about pleasing others and more about honouring her own needs. “No means no,” continues Cattrall.
When you put it as candidly as Cattrall, why would you want to be anywhere that you’re not enjoying yourself? Why are you saying yes just to make other people comfortable?
Of course, we can’t take it literally all the time. There are work responsibilities we can’t refuse, and commitments, like supporting your child at their third consecutive sporting event that matters more than momentary irritation.
The real problem lies in its compulsion. Are you saying yes all the time to people who wouldn’t do the same for you? Are you saying yes to avoid the discomfort that might come with saying no? Are you saying yes because you’re so used to saying yes?
Jennifer Lawrence has spoken openly about this compulsion. “I think that I was people-pleasing for the majority of my life. Working made me feel like nobody could be mad at me: ‘Okay, I said yes, we’re doing it. Nobody’s mad,” says Lawrence in her 2021 feature with Vanity Fair.
Saying yes to foster a feeling of belonging is a normal experience as humans who are wired to connect. It’s what makes our lives feel full, rich and safe. The problem is when we start saying yes to stop the people around us from getting angry. It’s an attempt to control our fear of negative outcomes.
“Having a ‘spirit of service’ and a desire and willingness to help others is good and healthy for both the individual and the other person or social group,” says Jo Hayes, a world leading etiquette expert, social skills consultant and founder of Etiquette Expert.
“However, there is a fine line – there is a big difference between being a ‘person who serves’ and being a ‘people pleasing yes person,” says Hayes.
If saying ‘yes’ is primarily about securing social acceptance, it may signal a deeper people-pleasing pattern.
“In a healthy, self-actualised person, their inner sense of self has a healthy detachment from the approval or acceptance of others,” says Hayes. “Their sense of value, worth and identity is strong whether others like or approve of them or not.”
Hayes explains that someone who has a strong inner compass is happy to politely say no to an event which doesn’t suit them, even if it means disappointing others or facing personal rejection.
“They are strong, anchored, unmoved,” explains Hayes. They aren’t, “being filled by the approval or acceptance of others to begin with.”
People-pleasing is increasingly being discussed almost like an addictive pattern. Instead of accepting people-pleasing as an enduring component of your life, you can sign up to a ‘Recovering People Pleaser Course’ for just $242 AUD through The Inspired Mind. The testimonials are glowing. “Working through Kirrilly’s course has made me so much happier,” writes one participant. “I now ask for what I want and need and have more fulfilling relationships.”
After all, like with any addiction the first step is admitting you have a problem.
Even if you don’t think you have a problem with people-pleasing, the physical cost of saying yes is rooted in gendered differences, cultural expectations and physiological manifestations.
Sally Clarke is a workplace wellbeing, leadership and burnout consultant who explains that women are at particular risk.
“Women are particularly susceptible to people-pleasing as our society tends to frame women in the caretaker and servant role,” Clarke highlights. “From a traditional perspective, it’s the woman’s unpaid and lifelong job to care for everyone around them.”
“When you grow up in an environment where these archaic roles persist, you tend to take on the message as a woman that your value depends on your ability to take care of those around you,” continues Clarke.
“It’s for reasons like this that women disproportionately experience chronic conditions compared to men.”
These disparities sit within broader gender structures that have historically discredited women’s voices and reduced their autonomy over their own bodies. People-pleasing can manifest somatically, meaning it can show up as physical symptoms in the body.
“One of the key signals is resentment, which often shows up as tension in the throat, neck or stomach,” says Clarke. This can manifest as, “sore throats, and other voice and neck related issues.”
“Eventually it can manifest in severe physical harm including stomach and digestive issues, reduced cognitive function, and chronic conditions including fatigue,” says Clarke.
“The physical cost is akin to lightly sanding back a beautiful timber bench every single day over time. Perhaps invisible from day to day, but over years, it removes the natural oils, damages its resilience and ultimately leaves very little left.”
People-pleasing doesn’t have to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. The unwritten rules of being a woman can indeed be brought to the surface and altered. Afterall, a rebellion is one of the best ways to incite change.
“It takes determination and an ongoing willingness to enter into an uncomfortable dialogue with yourself,” says Clarke.
When you identify the psychological component, you are able to connect this to physical representations, ultimately changing your behaviour.
“The first few times saying ‘no’ can feel counterintuitive to the point of existential danger,” she says. “Yet eventually through practice and with the support of a coach or therapist, we can make enormous gains.”
When people-pleasing originates from a place of fear, saying no can initially feel scary or rude. It may seem like we are being mean or rejecting other people when they are reaching out to us for help.
“Despite what people may think, boundaries are about protection, not punishment,” explains Hayes. “We can say ‘no’ while also being kind and gracious.”
Communicating your decision kindly, calmly and clearly to the other person, while also expressing an appropriate level of apology is a good start according to Hayes.
An example of this includes, “I’d love to be able to help out, but I won’t be able to this time, I’m sorry,” says Hayes.
Implementing boundaries and protecting your personal peace is not rude. Healthy communication should foster loving relationships without the need for forced transactions. People who love you should not need to constantly be pleased.
Your health and wellbeing are more important than temporarily disappointing someone else.
Your body knows the difference between generosity and self-abandonment. The question is, are you listening?
Read more of our Health & Wellness articles here.
