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July 2024

My Best Friend Eloped Without Telling Me

Question

Dear Amber

One of my closest friends whom I have been friends with since childhood is getting married. She asked me to be a bridesmaid and of course, I said yes. I was so excited and even helped her with wedding planning. I am not sure if she ended up paying for anything, but the plan was definitely set in stone in terms of venue and guests etc.

A couple of months later, she and her partner left for a trip to Hawaii which I didn’t think anything of. I logged onto Instagram and found that she had posted pictures of her getting married on the beach. It was clear that they had eloped and that’s not my issue. My issue is why didn’t she tell me this was happening? I mean don’t you think she owes it to her bridesmaids to let them know? I feel like this wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment decision either as they had professional photos taken, and you can’t just rock up to a resort and ask to get married as you need to give them notice.

I just can’t wrap my head around why she didn’t tell me she was getting married. Of course, I would have loved to be there, but I wouldn’t have been mad or upset if I hadn’t. It’s her life and I respect her decisions.

Am I overreacting?

Answer

Hey there,

It sounds like this has been a confusing decision for you to swallow. I totally get feeling hurt, left out and disappointed by your friend’s choice. All of that can be so overwhelming when mixed up with wanting to be happy for your friend and not sour her special moment with her husband. It can be hard when our friends make choices that maybe are not the same as we would make, and it can make us question the relationship and if we see it the same way our friend does. That can be so tough.

While I do totally understand your feelings, It sounds like there are a lot of unknowns behind what led to this decision to change her wedding plans. I’m sure that there was some thinking and planning behind her decision to elope as well as her decision to not share this with anyone. Getting married can be expensive and we are, after all, in a cost-of-living crisis. It can also be extremely complicated with who to invite, and who to leave off the guest list. Mixing all of that with complicated family dynamics, sourcing vendors, and trying to make sure you still have time to enjoy your wedding is a huge and daunting task. I can understand throwing your hands up in the air and deciding to spend the money on a much less stressful holiday for just the bride and groom.

I think the only way to answer your question is to sit down with your friend and ask her. Talk to your friend about what lead to her decision to elope and try to understand her perspective. Clarifying what was going on behind the scenes for your friend might give you the answers you need about her decision to get married just the two of them, and keep it to themselves.

I hope this helps,

Amber

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Amber Sargeant

Meet Amber Sargeant, The Modern Muse’s resident psychologist, however, you might know her better as The Anxious Psych on TikTok or from her clinic The Sunshine Club Psychology. With a Masters of Professional Psychology, and a Masters of Psychology Practice (Clinical) under her belt, Amber works with all different kinds of presentations from anxiety and depression to personality disorders, ADHD, and everything in between. Her TikTok forms a community hub for accessible information about mental health and psychology in a way that is more approachable and understandable to the average person.

Amber is also someone who also struggles with Anxiety and aims to highlight that while we each have our own experience with difficult emotions and situations, we can learn to manage effectively and to make sure we are still able to build the life we want. Amber is such a warm and passionate clinician and we are so lucky to have her on our team. We can’t wait for her to help our readers “find their sunshine”.