Loving yourself can feel like an abstract concept, but it sets the tone for everything else in life. From the way you approach your work life and friendships to the health of your romantic relationships, to even how you interact with strangers or attract new opportunities into your life, self-love forms the foundation for how you show up in the world.
Yet, with all the craziness of life’s demands and our attention being pulled constantly in every direction, it’s no surprise that self-love is one of the first things to slip through the cracks.
This February, I want to remind you that self-love isn’t just a fleeting thought. It’s an ongoing effort and an essential practice. And the thing is, this love isn’t always easy nor easy to understand. You know all your past mistakes, deepest thoughts and ugliest parts. Often, we are also our own worst critic – the only one to examine that pimple or scar so closely or mentally replay embarrassing moments long after everyone else has forgotten them.
Adding to that, self-love is often misunderstood. It’s not about indulgence nor ‘adding to cart’ but doing more of what truly sustains you. It’s about showing up for yourself in ways that matter – backing yourself in moments of doubt, setting boundaries, and building a deeper connection with who you are. It also looks like going to those medical checks you’ve been putting off, finding hobbies that bring you joy, or learning something new that challenges and excites you.
The truth is: the longest relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself. There might also come a time when all you have is yourself. This is why it’s important to become your own number 1 cheerleader and best friend who lifts you up, encourages you and looks out for future you.
This kind of self-love impacts everything – your relationships, your career, and even your everyday decisions.
Three Pillars of Self Love
1. Self Respect
Self-love begins with self-respect which, at its core, is about how you allow others to treat you and how you treat yourself.
It’s important to set your boundaries, value your mental and physical health and learn to say “no”. Many of us hesitate to cut ties – whether that’s with old friends, jobs and even family members – for numerous reasons: you’ve been friends with them “forever”, you fear the uncertainty of finding a new job, or you feel obligated just because they’re family and all the associated social expectations. But, truth is, the more you prioritise keeping peace for others the more you risk sacrificing your own wellbeing.
The impact of practicing self-respect ripples into every aspect of life. In relationships, by stepping away from ‘energy-vampires’ or people who constantly feed negativity or anxiety into your life you allow space for healthier connections and growth. (Reflect: is there anyone in your life who makes you feel paranoid, uneasy or makes you second-guess yourself after you’ve spoken or hung out with them?) In your career, self-respect might look like negotiating for fair pay, better working conditions, or deciding to leave a job that no longer aligns with your values. This creates space for change and new opportunities.
Then, there’s the way you treat your mind and your body. Are you prioritising good sleep? Making time for a morning routine? Eating nourishing meals? Limiting screen-time? There are countless small actions you can take to care for yourself, each one a powerful reflection of how much you value yourself. And when you truly value yourself, your standards for everything else naturally rise, shaping not only how you live but also the kind of people and energy you attract into your life.
2. Self Compassion
“You always tell me I can do it, so you need to start saying that to yourself as well” is something my partner has said to me. For many of us, we’re quick to offer kind words of encouragement to our friends, partners and even strangers, but rarely do we extend the same grace to ourselves. And granted, in a world that celebrates perfection and where Forbes’ 30 under 30 lists exist, practicing self-compassion can feel radical – but it’s essential.
A quote that I really like is “you live most of your life inside of your head, make it a nice place to be”. Treating yourself with kindness and positive self-talk starts with looking at yourself without judgment. It’s about embracing progress, and not perfection. It looks like catching negative self-talk or thoughts in the moment and reframing them.
Being mindful of how you talk to yourself can improve your wellbeing and self-esteem. It can make you feel more in control of your life and support you to get closer to your dreams.
3. Self Trust
Have you ever doubted yourself to the point of inaction? That’s what happens when you lack self-trust. A lack of self-trust may stem from past mistakes you’ve made, or your anxiety about the future ‘unknown’.
Self-trust helps build confidence in yourself and your autonomy. When you find yourself at a crossroads or a slump, you’re able to lift yourself out of that “stuck” feeling.
At the crux of it, you build self-trust by doing the hard things and keeping the promises you make with yourself. So, if you say you’re going to do something, do it. If there are things you’re curious about doing, take the first step. When it comes to making decisions, believe in your decision-making.
For a long time, I struggled with decision paralysis. I felt deeply unhappy with where I was and what I was doing, yet I was too scared to make a move. Then, it occurred to me: So what if I make another mistake? What’s the worst-case scenario – will I live?
Give yourself the permission to make more mistakes and have the confidence to own them and learn from them. By taking steps and moving forward, you’re looking out for the future while building the mental strength to handle any situation life throws at you.
The Balance between Tough Love and Being Gentle
Now, there are elements of self-compassion and building self-trust which clash, if not balanced well. It’s easy to think you’re being gentle with yourself when, in reality, you might be avoiding the discomfort of the ‘unknown’ or doing the things necessary for growth. Likewise, being overly focused on self-trust can lead to burnout if you neglect self-compassion.
It’s a delicate balance. Some mornings I think I’m being gentle with myself by skipping my workout as I tell myself “it’s rest day”… when, deep down, I know it’s my 4th rest day in a row and I’m just not feeling it. However, each time I fail to follow through with what I know is best for my physical and mental health, my self-trust erodes bit by bit. On the other hand, if I was to push myself relentlessly in the name of self-trust, I’d feel completely depleted and disconnected.
That’s why I constantly evaluate where I stand between discipline and accountability and taking the time to rest and recharge. Striking the right balance is not always easy, and I’ve found that the answer is checking my intention and aligning my actions with my values. Am I resting because I genuinely need to take a rest day (is it that time of the cycle? Am I hungry? Are my legs still super sore from my last workout?) or because I’m avoiding discomfort? What am I getting out of this and what am I working towards? Being mindful and honest with yourself allows both self-compassion and self-trust to work in harmony, creating space for you to grow while protecting your sanity.
At the heart of self-love lies the understanding that your relationship with yourself will be the longest and most intimate in life. Once you recognise that love starts with you and your connection with yourself, it paves the way for better relationships, a stronger sense of self-worth, and a more fulfilling, healthy and joyful life.
So, this February, take a moment to reconnect with yourself. Reflect on what it means to honour your body and mind, rediscover what brings you joy, and find small ways to respect, care and trust yourself – because when you start nurturing your relationship with yourself, everything else starts to fall in place!
“How silly of me to forget that I am the love of my life” – Maia, The Fall, The Rise.
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